it’s been so long!!!!! i regret not writing more about this, because it’s been a lot, so many, so much, and i’m going to forget it all, i know it.
here are some things, organized in a list with unspecific intentions:
1) alyssa locked herself in the bathroom with a knife last weekend, and now she spends her mornings kissing pills in a mental hospital. this touches everyone in my house in different ways; it took vicky’s voice, my mom’s eyes, and it took anthony completely away.
2) someone who i respected highly turned out to be sociopath. go figure.
3) there was a cat outside of my school three weeks ago. he was the first in that school to appreciate me or even acknowledge me. i love him and named him theodore.
4) brianna is becoming best friends with her bones and it scares me.
5)…
6) I have favorites, even though i know you’re not supposed to. khalil has a smile like a skeleton key, and taught me the in’s and out’s of the students secret code, their slang. i’m an old head. he’s my young bull. áaryn greets me with a hug every day; the teachers say he’s slow, but he was the fastest to warm up to me. he changes his name daily, it’s our little joke, he’s been caillou, spongebob, bell schedule, daffy duck. right now he’s bugs bunny. he came in last week with a black eye and it made my heart beat slower. shareese respects me, is a secret poet. i think she’s in love with khalil but she will never admit it.
7) the teachers told me she was unteachable, but i tell her she’s a math genius, and she tells me her secrets as i help her write love letters.
8) my team nickname is the gardener, because i pick up kids like flowers. i was incredibly grateful that they picked one based on my skills and personality, instead of based on my laugh.
9) josh let me read his poems, and he reminded me of my high school notebooks, of how kate mad speaks, and it endeared him to me.
10) i keep to do lists now. and sometimes i even get to scratch things off.
11) child protective services have been called 3 times in 6 months now, and i swear with every phone call my parents shrunk. now they skim the floor, and i try to hold them up.
12) tori is breaking off into pieces that are working their way into my skin, into the songs i listen to, into shows we used to watch together.
13) for all it’s fucked-up, unrelenting glory and pain, i really do love my life. but i wish the pain for the people i love to be less.
14) i was walking up the stairs to the office the other day and i remembered walking in there for my interview in too tight flats; i never imagined then that i would actually get to this point. i finally feel like my life is starting.
15) i miss all of you.
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i love christmas time, i love hiding under blankets and hot chocolate and how the world goes to sleep so much sooner.
and i have to go now. but ill be back.
